Part 3 of 3 on Childhood Stress: How do I reduce unhealthy stress in my child's life

Before we begin to look at how we can reduce unhealthy stress we need to remind ourselves that some stress is normal and considered healthy.

Children are expected to encounter the daily challenges that life brings; meeting new people, being afraid of the dark, peer pressure etc. It’s through these experiences of simple stress that children discover their identity, learn to problem solve and learn self-regulation (the ability to manage oneself).

The pressure of stress on the body increases the heart rate, causes a person to breathe more rapidly and tenses the muscles. Having multiple stressors in our life elevates our stress level and negatively impacts the body. Our bodies can only re-establish balance when we have relief from stress. Be aware of the kinds and amounts of stress you are under, and the stress you can help alleviate for your child.

Knowing the damage caused by stress (see Part 1 of 3) and some strategies for building resilience in our children (see Part 2 of 3) we want to know what we can do to reduce stress in our children’s lives to begin with...

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/why-play-is-important.aspx#close

0 – 3 year olds

Babies feel stress just like we do – except that they are building an understanding of the world and learning how to be safe.  Because a baby is learning to build trust and to believe that the world is a safe and predictable place, the less stress we can subject them to, the better.

Avoiding stress means comforting baby when she cries, and responding to his needs as quickly and calmly as we can.

Did you know that you can’t spoil an infant?  Babies are simply learning about the world when they are tiny.  If we leave them to “cry it out” we just teach them that they have no way to control their circumstances!  If we pick up that crying baby, they will learn to trust that they can make things happen and that they can influence their tiny world.

Think about it – If we want our children to grow up to be strong and empowered individuals who don’t feel that they are victims and who know they can make a difference for themselves – why not start the minute that baby comes into the world? 

Eventually, children need to learn to meet their own needs, and not rely on the adults around them to come running – but does it make sense to think that a baby can manage this when it has no way to get around or do anything more than cry without help? 

Establishing a routine for feedings, naps, and play time can also reduce stress for a baby.  As they come to expect regular schedules, they will feel less stressed by feeling hungry or tired, and will learn that their needs will be met.

To reduce stress, build safety nets for your child

1. Comfort your infant till they are able to get what they need for themselves. 
2. Create routines and predictable schedules, and stick to them.
3. Develop trust by letting your child know there is someone they can rely on

http://www.goodparentgoodchild.com/building-self-confident-children-2

3 – 5 year olds

Although preschool aged children are often referred to as “little adults” they lack many capabilities of a fully developed adult brain. Their brains are still developing without an ability to act independently, manage feelings, or share how they feel. As a result toddlers under stress may build feelings of sadness or anger inside; which may cause them to regress to infant behaviors, become angry or aggressive, withdraw, bite, or act overly sensitive.

The good news is you don’t have to be a doctor or licensed therapist to help children relieve unhealthy stress in their life. The key to reducing unhealthy stress in a toddler’s life begins with Building Safety Nets, Providing Social Support, Teaching Coping Strategies, Positive Thinking, and Stress Prevention. Research indicates children living in supportive environments that learn to develop a range of coping skills become more resilient, with a greater ability to bounce back from a crisis.

Providing Social Support - simple things such as having a parent who listens, friends to talk to, affectionate hugs, people to lean on are all ways children feel support.  

* Notice, acknowledge, and praise children

Teach Coping Strategies - the ability to find hope begins with the ability to think through solutions, anticipate stress and find ways to avoid stress.

Positive Thinking - its important to show a child how to cope in a healthy way by keeping calm, controlling anger, and modeling how using these coping strategies help you find solutions.

* Self-Talk       

* Use art for expressing feelings, use stories or books that children can identify their feelings with

* Talk about stressful events that happen

Stress Prevention - foresee stressful situations and AVOID IT!

* Identify causes of stress and plan ways to avoid it or how to deal with it

* Teach relaxation techniques and provide a quiet space

* Teach conflict-resolution strategies

* Build a child’s self-esteem and encourage them to be proud of themselves

* Help your child find a special interest

http://www.freerangekids.com/play-or-decay-kids/

School age children:

Children continue to need predictability throughout their school years.  Let’s face it, even as adults we rely on schedules and routines to get us through the stressful times.  Our kids thrive when they can anticipate what is coming next.

Not that surprise is bad, or the unexpected isn’t welcome (a snow day can be the greatest gift in a school year!) But being able to return to schedule and know what to expect allows the novelty of new learning to be a welcome thing to the developing brain.

Helping children to develop schedules and routines doesn’t mean that we should over schedule them.  Unstructured free time builds creativity and social experience that we simply can’t provide in any other way.  Time to become “bored” and have to entertain yourself may be the best way to develop imagination.  However, those times can be predictable too!

1.     Have a firm bed time and a routine to help your child wind down from the day and get ready to sleep.  For some children having a checklist for bedtime can be very comforting.  Make leaving school work, clothes and etc. ready for the next day a part of the routine.

2.     Do the same for morning and getting ready for school. Weekends and holidays can be a break from this routine, but after 2 or 3 days having no predictable schedule can become stressful.  Have your child continue to practice weekday routines even over breaks from school – what a great opportunity to fill a day with new adventures and to continue learning without having to be in a classroom!

3.     Schedule regular time for homework and be available to support your child in completing it. There are times when students need to go off and finish homework on their own, but there are times when having you at their side is important for reducing stress too!

4.     Leave time in your child’s day for entertaining themselves, and for experiencing the kinds of stress that help to build character!

Childhood stress - Part 1 of 3 - What is Childhood Stress and why does it matter?

The reality is that this world does not always provide an opportunity to move from an unhealthy environment. Numerous adults report how their experiences with childhood trauma, poverty, and stress affected their outcomes.  Some people are highly impacted by unhealthy environments and others attest they turned out “just fine”.  

http://www.fosteringresilience.com/talks.php

So why is it, that some will succeed, while others develop social and behavioral problems? Researchers attribute having certain human qualities and psychological traits as the answer.

If we teach our child to develop these specific qualities and traits, the child’s chances for success increase.  The development of these specific qualities and psychological traits are valuable for life in general.  If we think of teaching our children as changing the future, we want to make sure that we are giving them tools for success at the very beginning.

http://www.healthpolicysolutions.org/2012/10/05/childhood-experiences-smoking-gun-for-school-success-lifelong-health/

Proverbs 22:6 (KJV) “Train up a child the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it.” This familiar passage, spiritual in nature, speaks volumes to the duties caregivers have in raising children.

If we ‘train up’ a child that child can be resilient and bounce back, and succeed in any environment.  Even difficult “traumatic” experiences, such as poverty or chronic stress can be overcome if we build up the ability to be resilient.

http://www.blackyouthproject.com/2012/02/report-child-poverty-up-25-percent-over-last-decade/

Trauma, Poverty, & Chronic Stress in Children:

Childhood trauma has severe impacts on children.  Being exposed to violence, abuse, serious accident of loss of a loved one, or any other stressors can be traumatic for a child.  Children show the effects from the stress of living with stress and struggle in their behaviors, in the way they interact with others, and in their ability to cope with change.  This impacts a child’s ability to learn and succeed in school and in life.

Some symptoms that your child is being affected by stress include:

* freezing when they should act  
* surrendering or shrugging it off  
* daydreaming
* crying
* defiant behavior
* disconnecting from friends or family     
* acting out   
* sleep problems

Some kinds of stress are common, and can be positive - like the stress of starting school, or getting a shot at the doctor’s office.  Some stress is related to a specific situation and is tolerable - like the loss of a family member or a natural disaster.  The type of stress that is really a problem is the toxic stress of ongoing, long-term exposure to negative situations - like seeing or hearing or being aware of abuse in the home, being abused, or repeated exposure to violence in the neighborhood.  This type of stress is considered the most threatening for children; weakening the architecture of the developing brain and creating physiological problems.

http://lakesideconnect.com/trauma-and-trauma-informed-care/poverty-a-factor-of-trauma-in-children/

Infants and children react to trauma, poverty and stress very differently than adults do. For this reason adults often misinterpret the effects of the trauma on the child, believing the child was too young to know what was happening or thinking the child will easily get over what has happened.

We are often quick to think the child doesn’t know what is going on in another room, but that is just how we convince ourselves we haven’t done any harm to them.  In truth, children see and hear more than we want to admit, and it takes a toll.  Children are sponges and they are collecting information about their environment at all times.  They are reading body language, overhearing details without having a good way to process that information, and in many cases they have to re-live the stress day after day.

A child will often become unattached or nonreactive, which can be misinterpreted as resilience. But in reality the impact is detrimental to their development.  Infants are more vulnerable than any other age.  Young babies are able to detect anxiety and stress from the tones in adults voices. Infants and children are dependant on adults for care, and can become anxious, stressed and/or fearful when they feel threats in their environment.  Even that tiny baby knows when things aren’t right in the home.  

It is up to us to help our children gain the skills to be able to interact with stress and use it to strengthen them!

http://liveunitedsem.org/blog/entry/pathways-out-of-poverty-its-about-the-kids

TRAIN UP A CHILD…

Caregivers can be parents, grandparents, family friends, teachers and more. Regardless of the relation to a child, all adults serve as educators because we are models. Training a child to be resilient prepares that child to be a functioning steward in society when it’s their time to leave the nest. The earlier we start being invested in how we train up a child, the greater the opportunity for a child to develop valuable skills and traits.

Resilience is made up of a set of characteristics that can help a child overcome the negative effects of stress, poverty, and trauma.  These traits are:

• * Persistence

• * Self-Control

• * Curiosity

• * Conscientiousness

• * Communication

• * Grit

• * Self-Confidence

• * Self-Regulation

• * Transition Techniques

These qualities can be summed into one word - CHARACTER. Helping develop a child’s character begins in the early stages of life.

Next month we will explore how to develop these qualities and traits in our children at every age level.  Tune in to July’s issue to read “Childhood Stress Part 2 of 3 - How do I help my child build resilience?”  and in August we’ll share “Childhood Stress Part 3 of 3 - How do I reduce unhealthy stress in my child’s life?”