“My son was 6 years old when my father unexpectedly passed. Popo was the only man in his life at the time. The day my baby boy was born, Popo was there to thump his forehead as if it were a melon while saying something to the effect of “oh, we’ve got a smart one here.” Popo packed my little one around everywhere he went showing him the ways of the world, talking to him and using his wisdom to teach him the secrets of growing up and becoming a man. Blinded by my loss, I never thought about how my son was dealing. To my surprise I learned my son was grieving several months after the funeral, when I received a phone call from his 1st grade teacher. My son had written a short story about losing his Popo. There was so much detail in his story and the picture he drew, that it was like reliving the loss all over. The teacher was just as surprised and had his story published. I never realized or imagined how much grief he was dealing.”
The term “Good Grief” is an idiom for the keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss. Dealing with loss is a challenge for an adult, but what is it for our children? We often think that our young ones are too far removed from the reality of death and incarceration to feel grief and loss the way that we do. The truth is that they know and experience more than we realize.
If you have experienced a recent family loss, there are certain responses you can expect, and there are positive ways to respond and support your child. We all experience differing amounts of fear, and sadness, and anger, and guilt, in waves. Children are no different. Even the youngest child will experience these feelings while they are grieving. But they may not be able to understand, clearly express, or even identify these feelings that drive their actions.Empathy is a skill that children learn. To empathize with someone begins with understanding what he is feeling or what you would feel like if you were in the situation. It is not until age 4 that a child begins to associate their own emotions with the feelings of others and age 8 that a child can grapple more complex moral decisions.
Children fear what will happen to them, or to others they love. They are sad for their own loss, and are often not able to empathize with your loss. They may be angry at the person who has left, or at those they believe are responsible. They may be angry at surviving family members, or even with themselves for something they believe caused the loss. Children are capable of carrying tremendous feelings of guilt and will believe themselves responsible for causing illness, death or loss, but they don’t understand these feelings and just act out on them.
Our communities are full of random loss - accidental death, prolonged illness, suicide, drug overdose, violence, incarceration, terrorism, deployment to a war zone, and even divorce or separation - can produce a grief response in children, and it is up to the adults to provide the safe, nurturing support our children need to navigate these experiences.
What can adults do?
- Listen. Let children talk about their grief experiences. Everyone grieves differently, let your child share their grief and feel heard.
- Understand that there is no set time-frame for grief. It is not a single event, but a process that will take time.
- Avoid lies and half-truths. Children are perceptive, and are more likely to feel that the loss is their fault if they pick up that you aren’t telling them the whole story.
- Be patient and understand that it is very complicated to process grief at any age.
- Take care of your own needs as well. Your grief needs to be expressed and addressed so that you can provide support to a grieving child.
Every individual is different, but there are some general ways that children understand and cope with loss at different stages of development.
0 - 3 Infants and Toddlers - in these early years, babies will know that adults are sad, but they have no real understanding of death. They are likely to experience trust issues if their needs are not met while a family grieves. Take care to nurture and attend to infants and toddlers so that they feel safe even through your own loss.Some reactions to a change in the immediate care of an infant or toddler that indicate grief include; crying, searching as if for a lost object, changes in sleep or eating habits, regression in toilet learning.Teach empathy. The best training for empathy begins in infancy. Infants and toddlers learn the most by how their parents treat them when they are frightened, upset or cranky.
Things you can do to help;
- physical cuddling and comfort
- maintain routines
- meet immediate needs
- be patient and gentle
3 - 5 Preschoolers tend not to see death as a permanent thing. Because they have a kind of magical thinking, they tend to see death as a separation and possibly as reversible or temporary. They are likely to believe that certain actions can cause death, and others can undo it. They may experience the grief of others as frightening, and may feel helpless or guilty for not fixing it.
Some responses will include; tantrums, fighting, regression to bedwetting or thumbsucking, becoming clingy, fear of separation, talking as if the loved one is still around, fear of things they associate with the loss. Talk with your child through their emotions and feelings even if they’re 3-year olds and may be too young to comprehend what you are saying.
Things to do to help;
- provide safe ways to express feelings (art, story telling)
- physical contact
- be patient with regression
- give clear, simple, truthful answers
- maintain structure and routines
- include child in family rituals and mourning
- listen and comfort
- allow child to cry
- encourage child to play and have fun
5 - 9 Elementary aged children can understand the finality of death. They tend to see violence and death as things that happen to others, and not something that can happen to themselves. They are very concrete in their thinking and will describe loss in very physical terms. They are also likely to believe in their own power and feel great guilt about having caused the loss by some thought or action.
Some likely reactions may be: self-blame, irritability, mood swings, anger, denial, withdrawal, trouble concentrating in school, general fear for the safety of loved ones.
Things that will help;
- provide safe ways to express feelings (music, journaling, dance, art)
- physical contact
- be patient with regression
- be truthful about your own feelings
- allow time for questions
- give clear, honest answers
- schedule time to be together
- work with schools for supports
- encourage friendships with others who have experienced loss
- allow child to choose how to be involved with family rituals and mourning.
9 - 12 Middle school aged children are able to understand the physical realities of death - that the body is no longer functioning and can not be returned to daily life. They are better able to empathize with others’ loss and to want to help. They know that death will come to everyone, even themselves, and they are more likely to hide their grief for the sake of moving on.
Some of the responses likely from children in this developmental group include; decline in academic performance, repressing emotions, resentment and blame, withdrawal, isolation, crying, sleep problems, anxiety.
Things that may help;
- expect and accept mood changes
- find peer support groups
- provide time to talk and console one another
- accept comforting
- talk honestly and openly and ask for the same
- model how you cope with your loss
- provide safe outlets - sports, art, journaling, etc
12 - 16 Tweens and adolescents are able to comprehend a loss in a more adult manner, however their reactions are more likely to be related to their stage of development. At this age the steps toward becoming independent are the driving force in their lives, being aware that imagined futures are now altered is likely to cause anger, resentment, and frustration that the teen may deem inappropriate to express with others who are experiencing their own loss.
Some reactions may include exaggerated; turning to friends for consolation, seeking escapes in substance or self-harm, suicidal thoughts or actions, appetite changes, numbness, physical complaints, risk-taking or thrill-seeking, rebellion, guilt, anxiety, apathy, withdrawal, declining school performance.
Things to try;
- model appropriate coping with profound feelings
- talk honestly & invite conversation
- provide access to adult mentors/counselors
- provide access to peer support groups
- monitor risky behaviors & discuss connections to grief
- encourage and model outlets for grief - writing, drawing etc.
- expect and accept mood swings and hidden feelings
It can be challenging to try and help a young child while we are grieving ourselves. When we are coping with your own feelings of loss, it may be helpful to get outside support for your youngest family members. Look for local support groups to help you both!
