A Denver Urban Spectrum column

This content is available in print and on-line at Denver Urban Spectrum as a monthly column.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Radio Spot for The Nest Matters

Tomorrow afternoon  Buell Leaders' Radio will host an interview with Cassandra, Sena, and Dorothy - our "Bird Brains."   They will be sharing about how they got started on this project, how they collaborate to get things done, and some of the challenges they face in this endeavor.

Check out this site for more information about how to listen or phone in and get your questions answered!


Saturday, November 30, 2013

Part 3 of 3 on Childhood Stress: How do I reduce unhealthy stress in my child's life

Before we begin to look at how we can reduce unhealthy stress we need to remind ourselves that some stress is normal and considered healthy.

Children are expected to encounter the daily challenges that life brings; meeting new people, being afraid of the dark, peer pressure etc. It’s through these experiences of simple stress that children discover their identity, learn to problem solve and learn self-regulation (the ability to manage oneself).

The pressure of stress on the body increases the heart rate, causes a person to breathe more rapidly and tenses the muscles. Having multiple stressors in our life elevates our stress level and negatively impacts the body. Our bodies can only re-establish balance when we have relief from stress. Be aware of the kinds and amounts of stress you are under, and the stress you can help alleviate for your child.

Knowing the damage caused by stress (see Part 1 of 3) and some strategies for building resilience in our children (see Part 2 of 3) we want to know what we can do to reduce stress in our children’s lives to begin with...




0 – 3 year olds
Babies feel stress just like we do – except that they are building an understanding of the world and learning how to be safe.  Because a baby is learning to build trust and to believe that the world is a safe and predictable place, the less stress we can subject them to, the better.

Avoiding stress means comforting baby when she cries, and responding to his needs as quickly and calmly as we can.

Did you know that you can’t spoil an infant?  Babies are simply learning about the world when they are tiny.  If we leave them to “cry it out” we just teach them that they have no way to control their circumstances!  If we pick up that crying baby, they will learn to trust that they can make things happen and that they can influence their tiny world.

Think about it – If we want our children to grow up to be strong and empowered individuals who don’t feel that they are victims and who know they can make a difference for themselves – why not start the minute that baby comes into the world? 

Eventually, children need to learn to meet their own needs, and not rely on the adults around them to come running – but does it make sense to think that a baby can manage this when it has no way to get around or do anything more than cry without help? 

Establishing a routine for feedings, naps, and play time can also reduce stress for a baby.  As they come to expect regular schedules, they will feel less stressed by feeling hungry or tired, and will learn that their needs will be met.

To reduce stress, build safety nets for your child
  1. Comfort your infant till they are able to get what they need for themselves. 
  2. Create routines and predictable schedules, and stick to them.
  3. Develop trust by letting your child know there is someone they can rely on


3 – 5 year olds
Although preschool aged children are often referred to as “little adults” they lack many capabilities of a fully developed adult brain. Their brains are still developing without an ability to act independently, manage feelings, or share how they feel. As a result toddlers under stress may build feelings of sadness or anger inside; which may cause them to regress to infant behaviors, become angry or aggressive, withdraw, bite, or act overly sensitive.

The good news is you don’t have to be a doctor or licensed therapist to help children relieve unhealthy stress in their life. The key to reducing unhealthy stress in a toddler’s life begins with Building Safety Nets, Providing Social Support, Teaching Coping Strategies, Positive Thinking, and Stress Prevention. Research indicates children living in supportive environments that learn to develop a range of coping skills become more resilient, with a greater ability to bounce back from a crisis.

Providing Social Support - simple things such as having a parent who listens, friends to talk to, affectionate hugs, people to lean on are all ways children feel support.  
* Notice, acknowledge, and praise children

Teach Coping Strategies - the ability to find hope begins with the ability to think through solutions, anticipate stress and find ways to avoid stress.
Positive Thinking - its important to show a child how to cope in a healthy way by keeping calm, controlling anger, and modeling how using these coping strategies help you find solutions.
* Self-Talk       
* Use art for expressing feelings, use stories or books that children can identify their feelings with
* Talk about stressful events that happen

Stress Prevention - foresee stressful situations and AVOID IT!
* Identify causes of stress and plan ways to avoid it or how to deal with it
* Teach relaxation techniques and provide a quiet space
* Teach conflict-resolution strategies
* Build a child’s self-esteem and encourage them to be proud of themselves
* Help your child find a special interest


School age children:
Children continue to need predictability throughout their school years.  Let’s face it, even as adults we rely on schedules and routines to get us through the stressful times.  Our kids thrive when they can anticipate what is coming next.

Not that surprise is bad, or the unexpected isn’t welcome (a snow day can be the greatest gift in a school year!) But being able to return to schedule and know what to expect allows the novelty of new learning to be a welcome thing to the developing brain.

Helping children to develop schedules and routines doesn’t mean that we should over schedule them.  Unstructured free time builds creativity and social experience that we simply can’t provide in any other way.  Time to become “bored” and have to entertain yourself may be the best way to develop imagination.  However, those times can be predictable too!

1.     Have a firm bed time and a routine to help your child wind down from the day and get ready to sleep.  For some children having a checklist for bedtime can be very comforting.  Make leaving school work, clothes and etc. ready for the next day a part of the routine.
2.     Do the same for morning and getting ready for school. Weekends and holidays can be a break from this routine, but after 2 or 3 days having no predictable schedule can become stressful.  Have your child continue to practice weekday routines even over breaks from school – what a great opportunity to fill a day with new adventures and to continue learning without having to be in a classroom!
3.     Schedule regular time for homework and be available to support your child in completing it. There are times when students need to go off and finish homework on their own, but there are times when having you at their side is important for reducing stress too!
4.     Leave time in your child’s day for entertaining themselves, and for experiencing the kinds of stress that help to build character!


Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Childhood Stress - Part 2 of 3 – How do I help my child build resilience?

The Nest Matters’ Childhood Stress Part 1, addressed the effects of stress on children and why it matters. Our research indicated children that develop resilience in the form of certain character qualities are better prepared to be functioning stewards in society when it’s their time to leave the nest. This month we share the latest research from doctors and early childhood experts on how to help children build resilience.   

Some kinds of stress are extremely common - like the loss of a loved one, a natural disaster, or a failure of some kind.  Most of us bounce back from these kinds of stressors pretty readily.  Some people bounce back quickly, and others take longer, but most of us devise a route to recovery.  

Some people, however, are set back and it triggers the start of a downward spiral  One negative event can cause a person to think negatively about themselves and about the world around them.  They start looking for the failures and problems, and feel helpless to change things.  The sense of being a victim of events outside your control becomes a kind of paralyzing fear, which leads to further failure.

So what makes the difference for those who have the resilience to bounce back, and those who simply can’t cope?  According to current thinking, there are personality or character traits which lead one to move past stress. There were 9 traits identified in Part I: Persistence, Self-Control, Curiosity, Conscientiousness, Communication, Grit, Self-Confidence, Self-Regulation, and Transition Techniques. Dr. Ginsburg uses a 8 C Model of Resilience in his book “Building Resilience in Children & Teens”

- Competence - Confidence - Connection
- Character - Control - Contribution
- Coping - Care

Learn more here.

How do we help our children develop these traits?  We learned last month that eliminating the chronic stress of violent environments, and protecting our children from the day-to-day stresses of life, are the first best steps.  But what more can we do to ensure that our children have the flexibility and grit  to keep going when the odds are against them?

People who bounce back easily (bouncers) believe some things about themselves and about the world that those with less resilience (spiralors) do.

bouncers believe that
1. Innate ability is less important than Effort (persistence)
2. They can make a difference (agency)
3. Accolades earned are more valuable than prizes won (effort)
4. The world is neutral (fair) and not out to get them
5. Bad things can happen to anyone (imbalance) and can happen repeatedly
6. Anything can be overcome (positivity)





spiralors often believe that:

1. some people are just born smart or have a better chance than I do
2. nothing I do really matters / I can’t change things
3. the prize is what matters most / I don’t have a chance anyway
4. the world is against me / people are out to get me
5. for every bad thing, i’m owed a good thing / bad things happen to people who deserve it
6. some things are too bad to get over / It’s just going to get worse

So how do we teach our children to bounce back from hardship?

0 -3 Infants and Toddlers:

  • All children are born with a natural resilience. Parents can foster this natural strength and increase a child’s ability to become more resilient. Families are constantly rushing, which can create stressful environments for small kids that require lots of care. Babies need unconditional love, security, and a deep connection to at the least one adult in their life.

    • Love your baby, its that simple. Parents teach babies to love by giving love. Newborns, including toddlers are very sensitive to love and affection.  Holding them, smiling at them, singing a song, feeding them, and changing diapers – these sometimes feel like part of the routine for grownups. These regular routines show signs of love.

    • Help your child feel secure. Infants and toddlers rely on adults for everything and when a child senses danger they look for security. Children need to be reassured they are safe and being placed into safe environments. You can accomplish this by making their daily transitions smooth and consistent. Your confidence helps them to feel secure.

    • Give your child role models to connect with. Children’s ability to thrive is highly affected by the community of adults that surround them. The Nest Matters recently spoke with a mother of two that went through a bad divorce when her children were 8 months and 3 years of age. After sharing her story, she realized her children had father figures throughout their life from; their church pastor, an uncle-in-law, and basketball coach. The community around her was filling in gaps where a father’s love and teachings should have been.



elementary age students:

  • Remember to praise your child for sticking with it, for getting up and trying again, for being determined and not backing down.  Stop praising for being smart and getting good grades - focus on HOW they got there instead of the end accomplishment.  A student who overcomes challenges, persists, and puts in their best effort but gets a “C” grade, may have more of what it takes to eventually succeed than a student who pulls “A”s without really trying.  

  • Let your child make some decisions that you KNOW won’t turn out well while they are safe at home. Don’t talk them out of mixing all those flavors of soda, talk about the choice afterwards and what they might have done differently.  Let them make some mistakes - even though you know it will turn out badly, they need to experience the failure and recover from it to build resilience. Your wisdom and experience was earned, let them make mistakes and earn some wisdom themselves.

  • Give your child responsibilities at home - simple chores that support the whole family can help your child feel that they can contribute.  Let them make mistakes, just remember to talk about the effort your child gave.  Carrying in the groceries is a big job for a young child, and a dozen broken eggs is worth the cost if your child learns from her own experience to be aware and gentle.

  • Find out if your child’s school teaches GRIT. School values like perseverance, self-control, and conscientiousness will help build resilience.  And if the school doesn’t teach grit, volunteer to help out!  You can help children learn these essential values while you work one-on-one with children in the classroom, or even on a field trip!



tweens, Teens and College students:

  • Listen to your teenager attentively - it will outweigh any words you can say as parents.
  • Remember that your teen’s life is full of the stress of changing hormones. Try and be extra patient with the drama of adolescence, and always remind your child that they are bigger, stronger, and greater than any single situation.  Resilience is about getting back in the game no matter the challenge.
  • Help your child get involved in helping others.  One of the best ways for teens to get outside the hardship and struggles of teen years is by focusing on someone else’s struggles.  When your teen recognizes that they have something to offer, and that they can be a positive support for someone else, resiliency blossoms.  
  • Find a program where they can volunteer - as much as we want them to get job experience and start earning their own money, we need to ensure that they have coping tools and can make wise choices for spending that hard earned money.  
  • Understand how kids think and the social pressures that affect them. Teenagers can only begin to make positive choices when they are taught to be in control of what happens to them. Children that have a wide range of coping strategies will be better prepared to overcome stressors and are less likely to make risky choices.  

These strategies will help your child develop the resilience and grit to overcome the stress of everyday life.  When your child is a “bouncer” he will have what it takes to navigate the unexpected setbacks of life and rise above stress inducing situations.  

Some additional resources:
Security and Resilience from NAEYC
Healthy Children.org on Fostering Resiliency 
Advice for parents and teachers from the American Psychological Association

Be sure to check out Paul Tough's work if you are interested in supporting Schools in teaching Grit, and this TED talk by Angela Duckworth.





Next month concludes our series with Part 3 of “Childhood Stress” with our research and answers to the question  “How do I reduce unhealthy stress in my child’s life?” Visit our online blog http://thenestmatters.blogspot.com/ for more information. Have a question or you want to share? Send an email to thenestmatters@gmail.com.  


Thursday, May 30, 2013


Childhood stress - Part 1 of 3 - What is Childhood Stress and why does it matter?


The reality is that this world does not always provide an opportunity to move from an unhealthy environment. Numerous adults report how their experiences with childhood trauma, poverty, and stress affected their outcomes.  Some people are highly impacted by unhealthy environments and others attest they turned out “just fine”.  

So why is it, that some will succeed, while others develop social and behavioral problems? Researchers attribute having certain human qualities and psychological traits as the answer.
If we teach our child to develop these specific qualities and traits, the child’s chances for success increase.  The development of these specific qualities and psychological traits are valuable for life in general.  If we think of teaching our children as changing the future, we want to make sure that we are giving them tools for success at the very beginning.




Proverbs 22:6 (KJV) “Train up a child the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it.” This familiar passage, spiritual in nature, speaks volumes to the duties caregivers have in raising children.


If we ‘train up’ a child that child can be resilient and bounce back, and succeed in any environment.  Even difficult “traumatic” experiences, such as poverty or chronic stress can be overcome if we build up the ability to be resilient.




Trauma, Poverty, & Chronic Stress in Children:
Childhood trauma has severe impacts on children.  Being exposed to violence, abuse, serious accident of loss of a loved one, or any other stressors can be traumatic for a child.  Children show the effects from the stress of living with stress and struggle in their behaviors, in the way they interact with others, and in their ability to cope with change.  This impacts a child’s ability to learn and succeed in school and in life.


Some symptoms that your child is being affected by stress include:

* freezing when they should act  
* surrendering or shrugging it off  
* daydreaming
* crying
* defiant behavior
* disconnecting from friends or family     
* acting out   
* sleep problems


Some kinds of stress are common, and can be positive - like the stress of starting school, or getting a shot at the doctor’s office.  Some stress is related to a specific situation and is tolerable - like the loss of a family member or a natural disaster.  The type of stress that is really a problem is the toxic stress of ongoing, long-term exposure to negative situations - like seeing or hearing or being aware of abuse in the home, being abused, or repeated exposure to violence in the neighborhood.  This type of stress is considered the most threatening for children; weakening the architecture of the developing brain and creating physiological problems.



Infants and children react to trauma, poverty and stress very differently than adults do. For this reason adults often misinterpret the effects of the trauma on the child, believing the child was too young to know what was happening or thinking the child will easily get over what has happened.


We are often quick to think the child doesn’t know what is going on in another room, but that is just how we convince ourselves we haven’t done any harm to them.  In truth, children see and hear more than we want to admit, and it takes a toll.  Children are sponges and they are collecting information about their environment at all times.  They are reading body language, overhearing details without having a good way to process that information, and in many cases they have to re-live the stress day after day.


A child will often become unattached or nonreactive, which can be misinterpreted as resilience. But in reality the impact is detrimental to their development.  Infants are more vulnerable than any other age.  Young babies are able to detect anxiety and stress from the tones in adults voices. Infants and children are dependant on adults for care, and can become anxious, stressed and/or fearful when they feel threats in their environment.  Even that tiny baby knows when things aren’t right in the home.  


It is up to us to help our children gain the skills to be able to interact with stress and use it to strengthen them!



TRAIN UP A CHILD…
Caregivers can be parents, grandparents, family friends, teachers and more. Regardless of the relation to a child, all adults serve as educators because we are models. Training a child to be resilient prepares that child to be a functioning steward in society when it’s their time to leave the nest. The earlier we start being invested in how we train up a child, the greater the opportunity for a child to develop valuable skills and traits.
Resilience is made up of a set of characteristics that can help a child overcome the negative effects of stress, poverty, and trauma.  These traits are:
  • * Persistence
  • * Self-Control
  • * Curiosity
  • * Conscientiousness
  • * Communication
  • * Grit
  • * Self-Confidence
  • * Self-Regulation
  • * Transition Techniques




These qualities can be summed into one word - CHARACTER. Helping develop a child’s character begins in the early stages of life.


Next month we will explore how to develop these qualities and traits in our children at every age level.  Tune in to July’s issue to read “Childhood Stress Part 2 of 3 - How do I help my child build resilience?”  and in August we’ll share “Childhood Stress Part 3 of 3 - How do I reduce unhealthy stress in my child’s life?”