Part 3 of 3 on Childhood Stress: How do I reduce unhealthy stress in my child's life

Before we begin to look at how we can reduce unhealthy stress we need to remind ourselves that some stress is normal and considered healthy.

Children are expected to encounter the daily challenges that life brings; meeting new people, being afraid of the dark, peer pressure etc. It’s through these experiences of simple stress that children discover their identity, learn to problem solve and learn self-regulation (the ability to manage oneself).

The pressure of stress on the body increases the heart rate, causes a person to breathe more rapidly and tenses the muscles. Having multiple stressors in our life elevates our stress level and negatively impacts the body. Our bodies can only re-establish balance when we have relief from stress. Be aware of the kinds and amounts of stress you are under, and the stress you can help alleviate for your child.

Knowing the damage caused by stress (see Part 1 of 3) and some strategies for building resilience in our children (see Part 2 of 3) we want to know what we can do to reduce stress in our children’s lives to begin with...

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/why-play-is-important.aspx#close

0 – 3 year olds

Babies feel stress just like we do – except that they are building an understanding of the world and learning how to be safe.  Because a baby is learning to build trust and to believe that the world is a safe and predictable place, the less stress we can subject them to, the better.

Avoiding stress means comforting baby when she cries, and responding to his needs as quickly and calmly as we can.

Did you know that you can’t spoil an infant?  Babies are simply learning about the world when they are tiny.  If we leave them to “cry it out” we just teach them that they have no way to control their circumstances!  If we pick up that crying baby, they will learn to trust that they can make things happen and that they can influence their tiny world.

Think about it – If we want our children to grow up to be strong and empowered individuals who don’t feel that they are victims and who know they can make a difference for themselves – why not start the minute that baby comes into the world? 

Eventually, children need to learn to meet their own needs, and not rely on the adults around them to come running – but does it make sense to think that a baby can manage this when it has no way to get around or do anything more than cry without help? 

Establishing a routine for feedings, naps, and play time can also reduce stress for a baby.  As they come to expect regular schedules, they will feel less stressed by feeling hungry or tired, and will learn that their needs will be met.

To reduce stress, build safety nets for your child

1. Comfort your infant till they are able to get what they need for themselves. 
2. Create routines and predictable schedules, and stick to them.
3. Develop trust by letting your child know there is someone they can rely on

http://www.goodparentgoodchild.com/building-self-confident-children-2

3 – 5 year olds

Although preschool aged children are often referred to as “little adults” they lack many capabilities of a fully developed adult brain. Their brains are still developing without an ability to act independently, manage feelings, or share how they feel. As a result toddlers under stress may build feelings of sadness or anger inside; which may cause them to regress to infant behaviors, become angry or aggressive, withdraw, bite, or act overly sensitive.

The good news is you don’t have to be a doctor or licensed therapist to help children relieve unhealthy stress in their life. The key to reducing unhealthy stress in a toddler’s life begins with Building Safety Nets, Providing Social Support, Teaching Coping Strategies, Positive Thinking, and Stress Prevention. Research indicates children living in supportive environments that learn to develop a range of coping skills become more resilient, with a greater ability to bounce back from a crisis.

Providing Social Support - simple things such as having a parent who listens, friends to talk to, affectionate hugs, people to lean on are all ways children feel support.  

* Notice, acknowledge, and praise children

Teach Coping Strategies - the ability to find hope begins with the ability to think through solutions, anticipate stress and find ways to avoid stress.

Positive Thinking - its important to show a child how to cope in a healthy way by keeping calm, controlling anger, and modeling how using these coping strategies help you find solutions.

* Self-Talk       

* Use art for expressing feelings, use stories or books that children can identify their feelings with

* Talk about stressful events that happen

Stress Prevention - foresee stressful situations and AVOID IT!

* Identify causes of stress and plan ways to avoid it or how to deal with it

* Teach relaxation techniques and provide a quiet space

* Teach conflict-resolution strategies

* Build a child’s self-esteem and encourage them to be proud of themselves

* Help your child find a special interest

http://www.freerangekids.com/play-or-decay-kids/

School age children:

Children continue to need predictability throughout their school years.  Let’s face it, even as adults we rely on schedules and routines to get us through the stressful times.  Our kids thrive when they can anticipate what is coming next.

Not that surprise is bad, or the unexpected isn’t welcome (a snow day can be the greatest gift in a school year!) But being able to return to schedule and know what to expect allows the novelty of new learning to be a welcome thing to the developing brain.

Helping children to develop schedules and routines doesn’t mean that we should over schedule them.  Unstructured free time builds creativity and social experience that we simply can’t provide in any other way.  Time to become “bored” and have to entertain yourself may be the best way to develop imagination.  However, those times can be predictable too!

1.     Have a firm bed time and a routine to help your child wind down from the day and get ready to sleep.  For some children having a checklist for bedtime can be very comforting.  Make leaving school work, clothes and etc. ready for the next day a part of the routine.

2.     Do the same for morning and getting ready for school. Weekends and holidays can be a break from this routine, but after 2 or 3 days having no predictable schedule can become stressful.  Have your child continue to practice weekday routines even over breaks from school – what a great opportunity to fill a day with new adventures and to continue learning without having to be in a classroom!

3.     Schedule regular time for homework and be available to support your child in completing it. There are times when students need to go off and finish homework on their own, but there are times when having you at their side is important for reducing stress too!

4.     Leave time in your child’s day for entertaining themselves, and for experiencing the kinds of stress that help to build character!

Use Your Words! Language and Literacy Development

“Use your words” is a common phrase parents and teachers say to encourage children to express their thoughts, needs, and/or feelings through language. Language learning begins as soon as infants hear language. Research shows the way parents speak to their children plays an important role in their child’s language development. Providing rich learning environments filled with lots of word use, fosters your child’s ability to process and respond to communication, build a larger vocabulary, and develop academically and socially.

Language Modeling & Literacy (from egg to flight)

http://thereadingwomb.wordpress.com/tag/books-to-read-to-baby-in-womb/

It’s never too early to start reading to your child, so start while he or she is still in utero. Reading to your child to get them use to the rhythm of your language.

http://www.njfamily.com/NJ-Family/August-2011/Bilingual-Babies-Vocabulary-Linked-to-Early-Brain-Differentiation/

Babies Learn Language..Face-To-Face
Infants watch the face of the person talking to them. They focus on the eyes and mouth movements to learn how to form words. Parents often use a style of speech known as “motherese”, better known to the world as baby talk. Researchers suggest the use of “motherese” grabs the attention of infants quicker than regular speech and helps babies learn words faster and easier. Babies exposed to lots of language and face-to-face time are more responsive to communication. If you want to give your child a foundation to learn multiple languages, expose them to environments full of natural speakers of the specific languages you are interested in your child learning.   

When your child is an infant read to them to lay a foundation of words.  Use picture books and connect the words you are saying to actual pictures of the items.  Show and describe how to hold and use a book.  Show the spine of the book.  How to move the pages, which way the words read on the page, and follow their lead when they become interested in something on the page.

http://www.eduguide.org/library/viewarticle/1532

Toddlers Learn Language...By Growing Their Word Bank
As children grow parents naturally transition their speaking patterns from motherese to regular speech. By age 3 an average child’s word bank holds approximately 3000 words with 90% of those words being understandable. Toddlers have an impressive understanding of words and even though their vocabulary is still fairly limited it is growing rapidly. Talking to your toddler sends messages to your child’s brain that build networks to receive and process information. The more you involve language in your everyday activities the greater chances for the child to develop an extensive vocabulary.As an added bonus the time spent with the child has its own benefit factors.

As they grow into toddlers read everything that you can get your hands on.  Incorporate your environment and read cereal boxes, food boxes, tv guides, magazines, pamphlets, books you are interested in, childrens book, signs on the streets.  Always use caution and good sense when it comes to computer time.  It is important to expose your young child to the world of computer literacy, but remember that all interactions should include an adult and be limited in time.  Avoid TV time for very young children and replace it with talking and reading time with older children and adults!

• Use Self- and Parallel Talk
• Self-Talk is a strategy in which the adult describes what he or she is doing. The adult provides the words to describe her actions, without expecting the child to respond.
• example of self talk: “I am going to the refrigerator to take out some carrots. Now I am going to wash the carrots. We can share the carrots during our snack time.”
• Parallel Talk is a technique in which the adult describes what the child is doing or seeing. When an adult uses Parallel Talk, he or she is acting like a broadcaster. She watches the action and describes it to the child, without expecting a response. The parent/grandparent/or caregiver does not ask the child questions during parallel talk.
• example of parallel talk: “Looks like you made a really tall tower. First you took the red block and then you added the blue block on top. Your tower is starting to shake the higher you go.Oh, no your tower fell over. That’s ok!”
• Identify moods and feelings to give an understanding of social-emotional development and interaction

Interaction and conversation and exposure to literacy is essential in the early years and will make a difference throughout a child’s life.

http://www.blogmagazine.org/2012/08/homework-help-101-part-2/

Kindergarten & Elementary Kids Learn Language...Through Exposure to Literacy  
By the time children enter school around the age of five, they typically have a vocabulary of 10,000 words or more. As your child enters school expose them to lots of fun language use.  Challenge them to word games, spelling contests, books or written materials that catch their interests.  Use books that include pictures to help engage shy readers. Help your children with their school work. Read with or to your child 20 minutes or more daily. One way to help children learn new words is to start a mystery word list.  This list can be kept in a notebook or some place accessible in the home where everyone can write words on that they come across.  Then you can figure out their meanings and challenge each other to use them in your daily conversations.  

http://www.ehow.com/how_10055717_downloads-kids-books-kindle.html

Make sure to engage your child by building on strengths and interests of theirs.  
For example, if your child is interested in cars, read car books, point out different car parts, colors, sounds, movements, types of cars.  Use descriptive words that can help them identify the similarities and differences.  Then connect those ideas to other reading materials. Model identifying images in the book.  Ask them to point stuff out, make the book interactive. Count images.   

• Ask Open Ended Questions using Why? and How?
• Include intentional why and how questions in your daily conversations with your child. “Why do you think we never see the sun at night?’ or “How should we prepare dinner tonight?”
• Why and How questions requires them to think and not just recall information
• Frequent Conversations - constantly talk to your child, when you’re in the car, cooking dinner, getting them dressed for school etc.
• Repetition and extension
• Model problem solving strategies to help children use their words to navigate tricky conversations
• Advanced Language - string multiple words together in sentences as examples.
• Add in lots of descriptive words
• Connect language to multiple activities to build concepts of what the words mean
• Incorporate written letters and symbols - have your child write shopping lists or letters to mail to friends and family!

http://childdevelopmentinfo.com/learning/vocabulary.shtml

Middle & High Schoolers Learn Language...Through Expanded Learning
When your child enters the middle to high school range bump up the language acquisition by explaining concepts with a word choice that can motivate the child to investigate language themselves.  Start by expanding an area that your child already feels comfortable in.  For example, if your child is into animals expand their vocabulary by introducing new animals, describing them, learning about their habits, traits, natural environments, etc. Then expand further by connecting that interest to other subject matters.  Connecting animals to science, medical terms, art, theatre, math, etc. will help your child expand language while learning. Whatever your teen is interested in; music, fashion, dance, sports -  explore it with them and help them to push the language they use for description.  Everything isn’t “awesome!”  Help them to find the words that precisely describe what they love about things that interest them.  Play language games, use puns, rhymes, and words that sound alike to challenge your young adult’s vocabulary