L O V E.
That one simple word affects a child’s ability to learn, their memory, and even the size of their brain. We all believe that we love our children unconditionally, but do we? How often do we offer praise only when a child is complying with our wishes? How often do we tell a child that we love them only when they are doing something we think of as a good choice? Do we remember to tell a child that we are frustrated or angry with that we love them, but we want their behavior to change? How often are we explicitly clear that we still love them when they make mistakes, dress or act in a way we don’t approve of, or get into trouble?
When a child loses his temper, do we respond with love or do we match his anger? If we correct a child with physical punishment, what do we teach them about size, strength, power and love? Do we have healthy outlets for our own anger- especially when we are angry at a child?
What we do models for children what is acceptable and right and good. Their choices are a reflection of what they have learned from us, from TV, from the people in their lives. If we use loud voices, threats of violence, and obscenities when we are in conflict with others, our children will do the same.
Sometimes we just need a new way to handle problems so that our children grow in love and are able to express frustration and anger in healthy ways.
There are benefits to a child’s brain development from being a recipient of love. The way children are treated in their early years (prenatal to age 3) impacts so many areas of their development. A mother that is loving, nurturing, supportive, affectionate and a care-giving physically affects:
* A child’s brain structure, size and growth (10% more mass in the area where short term memory transfers to long-term than an abused or neglected child)
* A child’s potential for learning (increased capacity and studies show are smarter)
* A child’s ability to respond appropriately to stress as an adult
* A child’s emotional development and reactions (ability to empathize with others)
* A child’s spatial navigation (ability to record information for later use i.e. navigating a familiar city)
* A child’s ability to acquire comprehension and reasoning skills (key for adulthood)
Studies indicate childhood neglect is a cycle because parents of neglected children were also neglected by their parents. This cycle is breakable if there is early intervention coupled with family support. Self-help books such as “The 5 Love Languages of Children” and “The 5 Love Languages of Teens” written by Dr. Gary Chapman demonstrate a way to determine your child’s love language. Administering love in a way your child will receive could have a greater impact, but the truth is that children learn to receive love in the ways they are first convinced are truly demonstrations of love, which means it is up to us to be consistent, firm, loving, and kind in whatever way is most genuine for us, and our children will learn to trust and love in that “language.”
Children, like you and me, need to feel that they can count on someone. We need to feel that someone expects more from us than we might believe is possible, but we want to reach those heights and earn their approval. We need to feel that someone will cheer us on, cheer us up, hear us out, and help us out. We need to know that someone trusts us - even when we don’t trust ourselves, and that someone will do whatever it takes to ensure that our basic needs are met. These are the foundations that teach a child to give and receive love.
So, what are the key things to remember about raising healthy, adjusted children when it comes to love and anger?
0-3 Build Trust - comfort a crying child, listen, respond, be impressed and let them know it!
DON’T - shake a baby - ever. Take a time out. Ask for help. Put the baby down and walk away, but never shake the baby, it won’t help, and it can kill.
3-5 Build Independence - encourage your child, allow them to do what they can on their own, notice what they did that was right before pointing out what they did wrong.
DON’T - make fun of your child for their speech delays, for saying or doing the wrong thing. Teasing never helps, and it teaches teasing.
6 - 9 Build Communication - help your child to find his or her voice. Being able to express what they need or want, even when speaking with adults can really change how a child learns to approach the world.
DON”T use physical force to win an argument. Learn ways to resolve conflicts so that your child sees healthy models that don’t involve force.
9-12 Build Confidence - be inspired by your child’s interests and find ways to nurture their passions.
DON’T forget that this pre-teen is still a child who needs to play and explore the world in order to find his or her own self.
12-18 Build Comfort - be the safety zone your teen needs to rely on.
DON”T neglect their social development because of your fears or your history. Teens need both space and limits - just like toddlers!
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