Childhood Stress - Part 2 of 3 – How do I help my child build resilience?
The Nest Matters’ Childhood Stress Part 1, addressed the effects of stress on children and why it matters. Our research indicated children that develop resilience in the form of certain character qualities are better prepared to be functioning stewards in society when it’s their time to leave the nest. This month we share the latest research from doctors and early childhood experts on how to help children build resilience.
Some kinds of stress are extremely common - like the loss of a loved one, a natural disaster, or a failure of some kind. Most of us bounce back from these kinds of stressors pretty readily. Some people bounce back quickly, and others take longer, but most of us devise a route to recovery.
Some people, however, are set back and it triggers the start of a downward spiral One negative event can cause a person to think negatively about themselves and about the world around them. They start looking for the failures and problems, and feel helpless to change things. The sense of being a victim of events outside your control becomes a kind of paralyzing fear, which leads to further failure.
So what makes the difference for those who have the resilience to bounce back, and those who simply can’t cope? According to current thinking, there are personality or character traits which lead one to move past stress. There were 9 traits identified in Part I: Persistence, Self-Control, Curiosity, Conscientiousness, Communication, Grit, Self-Confidence, Self-Regulation, and Transition Techniques. Dr. Ginsburg uses a 8 C Model of Resilience in his book “Building Resilience in Children & Teens”
- Competence - Confidence - Connection
- Character - Control - Contribution
- Coping - Care
Learn more here.
How do we help our children develop these traits? We learned last month that eliminating the chronic stress of violent environments, and protecting our children from the day-to-day stresses of life, are the first best steps. But what more can we do to ensure that our children have the flexibility and grit to keep going when the odds are against them?
People who bounce back easily (bouncers) believe some things about themselves and about the world that those with less resilience (spiralors) do.
bouncers believe that
1. Innate ability is less important than Effort (persistence)
2. They can make a difference (agency)
3. Accolades earned are more valuable than prizes won (effort)
4. The world is neutral (fair) and not out to get them
5. Bad things can happen to anyone (imbalance) and can happen repeatedly
6. Anything can be overcome (positivity)
spiralors often believe that:
1. some people are just born smart or have a better chance than I do
2. nothing I do really matters / I can’t change things
3. the prize is what matters most / I don’t have a chance anyway
4. the world is against me / people are out to get me
5. for every bad thing, i’m owed a good thing / bad things happen to people who deserve it
6. some things are too bad to get over / It’s just going to get worse
So how do we teach our children to bounce back from hardship?
0 -3 Infants and Toddlers:
- All children are born with a natural resilience. Parents can foster this natural strength and increase a child’s ability to become more resilient. Families are constantly rushing, which can create stressful environments for small kids that require lots of care. Babies need unconditional love, security, and a deep connection to at the least one adult in their life.
- Love your baby, its that simple. Parents teach babies to love by giving love. Newborns, including toddlers are very sensitive to love and affection. Holding them, smiling at them, singing a song, feeding them, and changing diapers – these sometimes feel like part of the routine for grownups. These regular routines show signs of love.
- Help your child feel secure. Infants and toddlers rely on adults for everything and when a child senses danger they look for security. Children need to be reassured they are safe and being placed into safe environments. You can accomplish this by making their daily transitions smooth and consistent. Your confidence helps them to feel secure.
- Give your child role models to connect with. Children’s ability to thrive is highly affected by the community of adults that surround them. The Nest Matters recently spoke with a mother of two that went through a bad divorce when her children were 8 months and 3 years of age. After sharing her story, she realized her children had father figures throughout their life from; their church pastor, an uncle-in-law, and basketball coach. The community around her was filling in gaps where a father’s love and teachings should have been.
elementary age students:
- Remember to praise your child for sticking with it, for getting up and trying again, for being determined and not backing down. Stop praising for being smart and getting good grades - focus on HOW they got there instead of the end accomplishment. A student who overcomes challenges, persists, and puts in their best effort but gets a “C” grade, may have more of what it takes to eventually succeed than a student who pulls “A”s without really trying.
- Let your child make some decisions that you KNOW won’t turn out well while they are safe at home. Don’t talk them out of mixing all those flavors of soda, talk about the choice afterwards and what they might have done differently. Let them make some mistakes - even though you know it will turn out badly, they need to experience the failure and recover from it to build resilience. Your wisdom and experience was earned, let them make mistakes and earn some wisdom themselves.
- Give your child responsibilities at home - simple chores that support the whole family can help your child feel that they can contribute. Let them make mistakes, just remember to talk about the effort your child gave. Carrying in the groceries is a big job for a young child, and a dozen broken eggs is worth the cost if your child learns from her own experience to be aware and gentle.
- Find out if your child’s school teaches GRIT. School values like perseverance, self-control, and conscientiousness will help build resilience. And if the school doesn’t teach grit, volunteer to help out! You can help children learn these essential values while you work one-on-one with children in the classroom, or even on a field trip!
tweens, Teens and College students:
- Listen to your teenager attentively - it will outweigh any words you can say as parents.
- Remember that your teen’s life is full of the stress of changing hormones. Try and be extra patient with the drama of adolescence, and always remind your child that they are bigger, stronger, and greater than any single situation. Resilience is about getting back in the game no matter the challenge.
- Help your child get involved in helping others. One of the best ways for teens to get outside the hardship and struggles of teen years is by focusing on someone else’s struggles. When your teen recognizes that they have something to offer, and that they can be a positive support for someone else, resiliency blossoms.
- Find a program where they can volunteer - as much as we want them to get job experience and start earning their own money, we need to ensure that they have coping tools and can make wise choices for spending that hard earned money.
- Understand how kids think and the social pressures that affect them. Teenagers can only begin to make positive choices when they are taught to be in control of what happens to them. Children that have a wide range of coping strategies will be better prepared to overcome stressors and are less likely to make risky choices.
These strategies will help your child develop the resilience and grit to overcome the stress of everyday life. When your child is a “bouncer” he will have what it takes to navigate the unexpected setbacks of life and rise above stress inducing situations.
Some additional resources:
Security and Resilience from NAEYC
Healthy Children.org on Fostering Resiliency
Advice for parents and teachers from the American Psychological Association
Be sure to check out Paul Tough's work if you are interested in supporting Schools in teaching Grit, and this TED talk by Angela Duckworth.
Next month concludes our series with Part 3 of “Childhood Stress” with our research and answers to the question “How do I reduce unhealthy stress in my child’s life?” Visit our online blog http://thenestmatters.blogspot.com/ for more information. Have a question or you want to share? Send an email to thenestmatters@gmail.com.
